Work In Progress
by radzwa
Summary: "For every action there's a reaction of equal force", follow Amy and Ricky as they rise to the challenge of that one night at band camp.When a boy becomes a man and a girl becomes a woman. Set after Ricky's confrontation with George.AU


Work In Progress

Chapter 1~ Realization

To be told that you are nothing, to be told that you will never be good enough and to be told that you are not worth anything in life. Those are some of the hardest things that no human ever wants to hear and can bear to hear, but today I heard them and to say rage and anger consumed me would be an understand statement.

George Jurgens today judged me and passed comments about me without even knowing who I am and where I have been. I spent a night with his daughter Amy at band camp and that one night did turn out to be forever. Just when the school year started , the rumor around school was that Amy was pregnant and that had me scared more than I have ever been before. I couldn't confront her to ask if it was mine, but still the rumors were there. After a while Amy told me that she was pregnant and that the baby was mine. I questioned her if she was sure that it was mine the expression on her face told me that she was telling the truth. I was mean to her and told her that she could do whatever she wanted to do and left her to her own devices. The truth is I was scared considering my history and my life, I couldn't see myself as a father being that am only 16, still in high school, I don't have a job or insurance. I was so scared about what Margret and Shaikur would say about me getting a girl pregnant. They had always told me that casual behavior towards sex was going to get me into trouble and here I was faced with the consequences of my actions and there was nothing I could do anything about it.

I ignored Amy and went about my life as if nothing was wrong or as if I had not impregnated a 15 year old girl. I continued to do what I was and had always done which was have indiscriminate sex with any girl who was willing. I hooked up with Adrian and started having sex with her occasionally and on the other hand I went after Grace because of the challenge that she posed. Grace had told anyone who would listen that she was only going to have sex after she was married, when I heard that I saw her as a challenge and I went after her. I pretended to be into the whole church thing (no pun intended). That I wanted to change and that I was willing to be in a relationship but I still kept seeing Adrian on the side. I just thought the whole issue of Amy being pregnant will go away, but that wasn't going happen. One day after school when I was hanging out with Grace she told me that Amy was going to get an abortion and that Ben her now boyfriend and Adrian were driving her to the clinic, but Grace wanted to go to the clinic and stop her from doing it. She claimed that it was a sin for her to do that and that she had a feeling that she was scared and acting out of fear, she also said that Amy and I would regret this decision. I decided to just go with her so that she would think that I really want to change.

When we got there I just stood there and pretended that I was not phased with what was going on. Inside, I was completely torn and scared. I didn't want to think of what Amy was going through if I was feeling like this. When she came out crying telling Ben that she couldn't go through with it, a wave of relief washed over me I didn't understand why I felt that way and instead of trying to figure out that feeling I just pushed it away. Grace was happy that she wasn't going to go through with the abortion, Ben looked a bit relieved but at the same time peeved and Adrian looked as if she was about to bust a vain she kept trying to convince Amy that she was making a mistake and that keeping the baby is going to ruin her life, and that I did not want anything to do with it. Which meant that she would have to raise and take care of the baby all by herself. To me it seemed as if Adrian had pressured her into coming here and that she also had an ulterior motive but I just didn't care about what she thought and what she wanted. I was just worried about what was going to happen now that Amy didn't abort the baby.

It has been almost a month since the whole abortion incident and for some reason I ditched school and instead of going to my usual hideout I went to Adrian's condo to wait for her to finish her English test. She told me that I could go to her condo and wait for her. To my surprise when I got there, I met a man I had never seen before and I knew that he must be one of Adrian's mothers "friends". When I told him who I was it was like a light bulb went off in his head. He started shouting at me about his daughter. At first I didn't know who he was referring to, but when he mentioned something about pregnancy I knew that he was Amy's father.

He belittled me and called me trash, that had me on the edge. I couldn't believe the nerve of this guy to call me that when he was here in Adrians' condo which clearly meant he was cheating on his wife with Adrian's mother. After the exchange with Amy's father I was so enraged I didn't know what to do but, I knew if I didn't talk to someone I could do something really stupid so I scheduled an appointment with my therapist Dr Fields and I knew he would be able to talk me through the anger that I was feeling.

That afternoon I found myself sitting on the couch in Dr Fields' office "So Ricky tell me what brings you here this afternoon?" Dr Fields asks

"Well you know how I got Amy Jurgens pregnant right" Dr Fields nods his head in acknowledgment " Today I decided to ditch class and went to Adrian's condo to wait for her and when I got there I found Amy's father there making himself a sandwich, at first I didn't know who he was and he started to shout at me about how I got her daughter pregnant that's when I knew who he was" I clenched my teeth as I started to feel the anger building up again I had to shut my eyes so that I could finish telling his story "He basically called me scum, that I was nothing, that I was useless, but you know what I am not scum and I am someone and I know I can do anything if I set my mind to it" My voice was now an octave higher, "he insulted me while he is cheating on his wife that makes him no better than me, and to be honest I think I am better than he is because am open about what I do and I don't hide it. I am not in any committed relationship so am not cheating or being unfaithful to anyone unlike him. " Dr Fields just listened as I vented to him while he took down notes.

"So Ricky tell me how you felt when he was saying all these things to you?" I opened my eyes and was quiet for a while trying to put words to my feelings "I was angry and still am, enraged and at the same time I felt regret cause Amy doesn't deserve to be going through what she's going through and I also felt scared at one point, I felt remorse, shame and worthlessness" Dr field s took down notes of what I had said and asked me why I had all these feelings flowing through me "To be honest I felt angry and enraged because he doesn't know me and he stood there and judged me, angry at my past because maybe if I hadn't gone through what I did I would not have to find comfort and refuge in sex. I Regret it, because Amy is a good person and I know this from the time we spent together at band camp and I also feel regret because I feel as if I have taken away part of her life and her dreams you know? If she keeps the baby she will have to drop out school and she wont be able to pursue her dreams. Shame because I think I just use my past as an excuse but you know what I have just realized just now?" "what?" Dr Fields asked and I took a deep breath and a small smile played on my face

"_My past is not suppose to define and shape my present or future also that my past does not define who I am as a person, instead it's supposed to mold, encourage and make me want to be a better person, in short to be a victor in my childhood wars"._

The pride that Dr Fields felt in that moment was beyond measure, Ricky had been his patient for almost 7 years and today he had just achieved a milestone. For the first time in a long time Ricky felt happy with himself and he could tell that Dr Fields was looking happy. For so long Ricky had always looked at himself as damage and unfix-able, he felt as if he did not have a purpose. "So Ricky having realized what you have just now what do you think it means?" Ricky was quiet as he tried to find an answer to Dr Fields, this new realization had him trying to put things in perspective "That am I damaged goods?no, am I broken?yes but most importantly am not unfix-able" Dr Fields eyes were shining in awe of the boy who was sitting in front of him "Ricky let me say for the first time in almost 7 years you have made significant progress today and I am proud of you, this is amazing and I have to say that am honestly in awe of you right now".

Hearing his therapist talk about him in his light made him feel good, this was a feeling that he wanted to feel all the time and he did not want it to go away. To have the important people in your life feel this proud of him, made you want to try and do more and make something of himself.

"So you say you are broken and that you can be fixed, do you have an idea of who you can mend yourself and be a better person or the person that you want to be?". Ricky thought about this for a while "I have to start treating myself with respect if I want to start mending myself and by respect I mean I need to treat myself as I want people to treat me, I am not my father and I'll never be him not then, not now and definitely not in the future. I have to love myself and take care of myself". Dr Fields listened as he continued to take down notes " I have to start taking responsibility for my actions and I have to admit when I have made a mistake and do all I can to try and fix that mistake or make the situation better by any means. That's the person I want to be and I know I can be given the chance and opportunity." Ricky was feeling as if a huge weight was being lifted of his shoulders and he felt free and maybe for the first time in his life he was free. Free from emotional prison that his biological father had placed him in, free from the shackles of physical, emotional and mental abuse of his childhood. He felt as if he was gain a bit of control over his life and his destiny.

"Ricky you talk about taking responsibility for you action, how so?". Ricky knew exactly what he wanted to say and was trying to figure out where he should start, he sighed and looked straight into Dr Fields eyes and said " I need and have to accept the consequences of my actions for example I accept that having sex has repercussions like diseases, pregnancy and I guess the emotional turmoil. That the things I do, not only do they affect me only they also affect those close and around me. So I accept that I got Amy pregnant but I wasn't the only one there, its not fair that everyone blames and judges me Amy was there she should or could have said no if she didn't want to have sex with me. She could or should have also asked for protection if she knew well enough that she wasn't protected. Am not saying that she's at fault, I should have also asked her if she was on birth control." He sighed then continued on to say "true things did get out of hand but we both should accept what we did was wrong and stop pointing fingers at each others. This reminds me of Newton's third law of motion _'for every action there's a reaction of equal force' _Amy and I are both equally responsible for what we did and if people are going to judge they should judge us equally. I know that her life is the one that is going to change the most physically, mentally and emotional, but so will mine. Am going to have a child which means this child is going look up to me to provide and be there for him or her. Considering my track record am not the best role model for a child, would I ever want any child be it mine or not to go through what I have been through? No. The changes in our lives that we are going to experience and go through are the consequences and accepting that is taking responsibility".

Dr Fields looked at the boy who was becoming a man in his presences, he knew that Ricky had it in him to be the person that him and his adoptive parents knew he could be. Once Margret told him that Ricky had the potential to be a better person all he needed was motivation and in Dr Fields eyes it seemed this baby could be what they have been waiting for all along, could the baby have come later? Yes, but its here now and this might not be a bad thing in truth I think both Amy and Ricky need this.

"Ricky am impressed that you realize all this and it seems that you have given it a lot of thought which is good. Now the big question and I think the most important one is what are you going to do about all this?, I mean all this is life altering and scary but do you have any idea of what you are going to do or what you want to do?". Surely Ricky had given thought to what it all meant and understood Dr Fields question very, but he wasn't sure what he was going to do or what he wanted. He needed a bit more time to think through and come up with the best course of action that was best not only for himself but for Amy and this baby. "It's true that's the most important question and to be honest with you I don't have an answer for you right now. I need to think things through." " Fair enough but you also need to realize that time is moving ad whether you have thought things through or not the baby is coming and you need to be prepared. So my advice to you today is go and think about this and come back on Friday and we can discuss your thoughts. I also wanted you to talk to your parents and talk to Amy, with your parents tell them how you feel about whats happening in your life right now. Talking to them will help you get a few things into perspective, understand more and help you figure out some stuff. Am not saying they have the answers or that they will like what you are going to say to them, but they will respect that you have gone to them. It doesn't mean you are weak or you're a child it only means that you need help, because we all need help from time to time."

Ricky knew what he was talking about and maybe for the first time in his life he was appreciating having Margret and Shaikur in his life. They had always told him to talk to them about anything and after they heard about the whole baby story, they had tried to get him to talk but he wouldn't. They had provided him with a way better life than anyone, he was scared that they would regret having taken him in so he was always defensive when it came to talking to them about his problems. " The reason why I want you to talk to Amy is because you can not avoid her and you are going to have to talk her because you two share a child together which means you will be talking to each other for the rest of you lives. You need to open up the channels of communication with her because the two of you have big decisions to make. I know that her father does not want you talking to her but like you said you need to take responsibility for your actions and I think this would be the first step. The situation you are in Ricky is a scary one regardless of you being a teenager or not, bringing a child into the world now or when you are forty is always going to be scary but don't let your fears get in the way of being who you want to be or doing what you want to do." Ricky nodded in acknowledgment "You realizing that you are not your father should enable you to realize who you are and who you want to be. Think about all the things that we have discussed in here today and start from there" Dr Fields said to him.

After his therapy session Ricky drove to the beach because he needed time and space to think and usually the beach provided him the tranquility he was searching for. When he got there his phone started to ring and saw that it was Adrian who was calling him. He was not in the mood ad really didn't want to talk to anyone right now so he just pressed ignore and switched off his phone. Walking down the beach he started to think about what he had discussed in therapy.

He didn't mean to cause so much trouble for anyone and for so long it has always been about him and he didn't care what anyone would say or thought about him, but now things are different. The difference steamed from that now there was a baby involved in his life and things needed to change. He reflected on his childhood and his life now and how he noted the big difference which was if you have parents that care for you regardless of what you do and who you are in life can definitely be better.

With this he realized that he wanted to be involved in this baby's life, which meant he wanted to be included in any decisions that were made in regards to his child, he wanted to be there for his child in every way possible, he wanted to be able to provide for him or her, he wanted to protect and keep it safe and most of all he never wants him or her to feel that it was his or her fault for anything in the child's life. He wanted to be a better father to his child because he knew what it felt to be abandoned and not to be wanted and never wanted his child to feel that way. To be a better father so that his child could look up to him not only for protection, safety or stability but also as a role model. All this made him realize that, the way he his life was now, was no way to be a better father or a good role model. He would stop making sex a priority and making this child one, he needed to get a job even though he knew that his parents could financially support him and the baby he felt as though he needed to make his own money to support his child because that's what it meant to be a father. He thought about his future and knew that he wanted to be able to provide a better life for his child so that meant he was not going to drop out of school nor was Amy. Even though his full responsibility was for his unborn child he knew on some level that now he was also responsible for Amy as well in terms of helping out with the baby and support. It was a lot to take on but this was his life now and the sooner he accepted it the better for baby, Amy and himself. Ricky realized that for the first time in his life he was making or about to make one of the first and biggest commitments of his life, usually this would have him running in the other direction but he didn't feel as scared, in all honesty he felt a sense of pride course through his veins.

The sun was starting to go down and he had to go home, he felt exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically. He got into his car and herded back home into the unknown, but what he had with him was something foreign, Determination.


End file.
